Self-sabotage is one of the most perplexing behaviours we engage in. Just when we’re on the brink of success—whether in relationships, careers, or personal development—we sometimes unconsciously undermine ourselves. But why? Why do we put obstacles in our own path and prevent ourselves from achieving the very things we desire?
- Fear of failure
One of the primary reasons people self-sabotage is the fear of failure. If we never fully try, we can convince ourselves that we never truly failed. This fear often stems from childhood experiences or societal pressure that equates failure with worthlessness. Avoiding risk feels safer than confronting the possibility of not measuring up.
- Fear of success
Ironically, the fear of success can be just as strong as the fear of failure. Achieving a goal often brings change, responsibility, and higher expectations. Some people unconsciously resist success because it forces them out of their comfort zones. They may worry about sustaining their achievements or fear alienating others who are not on the same path.
- Low self-worth
Deep-seated feelings of unworthiness can drive self-sabotage. If we don’t believe we deserve happiness, love, or success, we might subconsciously act in ways that confirm that belief. This often manifests as procrastination, perfectionism, or self-destructive habits like substance abuse or negative self-talk.
- Negative conditioning
Our subconscious mind absorbs messages from childhood, past relationships, and societal norms. If we were raised in an environment where love or success felt conditional, we might internalise limiting beliefs like “I’m not good enough” or “I always mess things up.” These thoughts can subtly guide our actions, making self-sabotage feel almost inevitable.
- Comfort in familiarity
The brain craves familiarity, even when it’s unhealthy. If chaos, failure, or disappointment are familiar experiences, our subconscious mind may push us toward repeating those patterns. Even when opportunities for positive change arise, the unknown can feel threatening, leading us to sabotage our progress to return to what feels “normal.”
- Impostor syndrome
Many high achievers struggle with impostor syndrome—the feeling that they don’t truly deserve their success and will soon be “found out” as frauds. This self-doubt can lead people to unconsciously sabotage their achievements, believing they are not truly worthy of recognition.
- The need for control
Some individuals engage in self-sabotage as a way to maintain control. If success depends on external factors (such as promotions, relationships, or financial opportunities), failing on purpose ensures that the failure is on their own terms rather than being blindsided by outside forces.
How to overcome self-sabotage
Recognising self-sabotage is the first step in overcoming it. Here are some strategies to break the cycle:
Identify Triggers: Pay attention to thoughts, emotions, and situations that lead to self-sabotaging behaviour.
Challenge Limiting Beliefs: Replace negative self-talk with empowering affirmations.
Develop Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and patience rather than harsh criticism.
Seek Support: Therapy can help uncover and address the deeper issues behind self-sabotage.
Take Small Steps: Instead of striving for perfection, focus on small, manageable actions that move you forward.
Final thoughts
Self-sabotage is a complex but deeply human behaviour. It often stems from fears, past experiences, and ingrained thought patterns that we may not even be fully aware of. By recognising these tendencies and actively working to challenge them, we can free ourselves from self-imposed limitations and step into the success and happiness we truly deserve.